For every pattern you recognize within yourself, understanding how that pattern enhances or diminishes your creative power, your flow of energy through the layers of your being, is very useful. Codependency is a way of being in the world, in your relationship to others, to yourself, and in your relationship to the situations of your experience that has significant impact on your energy flow, on how you direct the life pulse of your creative being to manifest your personal reality.
A far too common pattern some individuals learn to integrate into their psyche is the pattern of needing to be the fixer, the rescuer, and caretaker for everything and everyone under the sun. Somewhere along their development individuals who connect with others in this way learn that their value, their belongingness, their worth is tied to how others around them are feeling, and that their job and function is to make those around them feel better, do better, be better. They become the constant soother, the constant nurturer, the constant advice and support giver without thought to how this affects them and how they really feel about playing this role with everyone. They develop a keen level of perceptiveness, an almost hyper-attentiveness to the interior realities of others, that makes them highly effective in playing this part.
They often become the go-to person for advice and again and again find themselves being sought out for emotional support and guidance from just about every person they meet. They hold within them a belief that if they can just make other people feel better or if they can just make other people better, they’ll be okay, they’ll belong, they’ll matter.
They come to believe that they are responsible for emotionally nurturing and behaviorally governing or guiding those around them so that everyone around them can feel good or better. They take on the responsibility of doing other people’s emotional work for them and fear that if they don’t do this then they’ll be left behind, abandoned, rejected, and all alone. Connection to others is taken to mean doing their emotional work for them from a feeling of obligation, duty, and even a definition that says it’s taking on other people’s emotional baggage that makes them a good person in the world. Love, friendship, partnership is taken to mean carrying other’s emotional burden without equal reciprocity. In this equation, the other person’s needs and realities are held at the forefront of their awareness instead of their own – the other person is real and they are not. In their own mind, who they hold space for is not their own being and the needs, thoughts, feelings, desires swirling around within them, but the other people and situations they are in relationship with.
The very thought currents of believing that you know what’s best for others, that you know what they should do and how they should do it, that it’s always your job to fix it, and in fact maybe you can even do their life better for them is a maladaptive pattern, a pattern geared toward ensuring your survival and integration to your tribe or group that is based on insecurity. This type of pattern is not a conscious decision where you’ve consciously chosen to be there for someone, but rather an unconscious fear-based sense of obligation and duty that says some version of “if I don’t do this then I’ll be neglected, alone, left behind”. There is a woven feeling in this mindset that if you don’t show up in this all-giving way for others at the expense of your own well-being, if you don’t bleed for them, if you don’t carry their emotional burdens, then that makes you a bad person, it makes you mean, it makes you unkind, it makes you cruel, and it leaves you all alone in the world. This pattern is usually entangled with feelings of guilt and shame when if you turn your awareness from their suffering and begin to think about yourself you’re confronted with feelings of guilt and shame. At the core of patterns like this is a negative image of self, a conditional acceptance of your existence. It is a distortion in your energy field that is preventing your creative power, your life pulse, to flow through in the ways you truly desire.
What this kind of distortion means for your energy flow is that you frequently use all of your energy reserves and feel exhausted, burnt out, overwhelmed. You intend for specific outcomes in some areas of your life but they just don’t end up manifesting. You feel like you just don’t have the energy to pursue the things that are important to you, the things that are your natural gifts and talents. You again and again lose any momentum you gain on whatever your intended outcome is because your energy is going to all the people and situations around you. You fixate on the outer behaviors and dramas of those around you instead of being focused and attentive to your own flow, your dreams, your passions, your desires, your heart’s true intentions and calling. This creates stagnation and disruption in certain areas of your life.
Energy flows wherever your attention goes – so if your attention is wrapped around other people’s thoughts and feelings, other people’s behaviors, other people’s aspirations, other people’s stories or suffering, that is where your energy is going. So what do you do if you recognize this to be a pattern of yours? Begin by setting the intention to no longer show up and take on the role of the fixer and rescuer in your life. Say to yourself with decisiveness “I will no longer take on someone else’s emotional work. I will no longer try to rescue, save, or fix those around me. Instead I will trust that their journey will unfold as their inner being chooses to and focus on myself and my own journey.”
Unless it’s the job you’re being paid to do, it’s actually not your role to take on their stuff, at all. Every being you ever meet is responsible for their own evolution, and if they’re not consciously pursuing their own transformation, there’s thankfully not a thing you can do that will change them – if it were so, then free will would be a moot point for everyone. Get behind why this behavior is there for you and then begin to reframe it. It won’t take you very long to shift it if you give it some concentrated focus. Pay attention to your solar plexus and heart areas as this type of pattern is usually associated to those energy centers, but scan your energy field to see where this stagnation, distortion, or imprint is anchored in your personal matrix.
Begin to build new constructs around this behavior so you have the conceptual change in place to secure the change in energy you’ll bring about. Instead of framing it as the good thing to do, frame it as intrusive, let yourself notice that this is an intrusive way to relate to others. Instead of framing it as helping, reframe it as controlling, let yourself notice that you’re trying to make others fit into your mold of health and well-being. Instead of framing it as kind, frame it as hostile, let yourself notice the forcefulness that is inherently present in this pattern. Face the actual impact of going about your world trying to push people into your version of health and well-being – notice this without holding any negative judgement on yourself, it’s just a learned pattern and all you’re doing now is expanding your awareness so that you can shift out of it. Instead of seeing it as providing support, see it as stealing their ability to learn, grow, and stand on their own two feet. Let yourself recognize that some people may very well be here to create experiences and moments that won’t look and feel like success and happiness, and if what they choose is success and happiness then they’ll give themselves the resources they need to achieve them – creation is on everyone’s side.
Remind yourself that your reality is 100% about your ability to direct energy through your attention, through your focus, and through your constructs and emotions. Whatever behavior or pattern is preoccupying you, you have to bring yourself to question it. Get curious about it. See it as just a pattern that can get altered and let yourself move into that alternation so that again and again you’re making all of your energy available to you to manifest the life you desire.
© Kidest OM, Infinite-Life.Com
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