How to Get Over a Breakup: A Self-Compassionate Approach to New Beginnings

When something meaningful comes to an end—a relationship, a career chapter, or a life path you’ve poured yourself into—it can generate discomfort. If you haven’t examined your relationship to completions, endings can stir up pain or even shake your sense of stability. But endings, though difficult, also offer a powerful opportunity: the space to begin again with greater clarity, strength, and alignment. They can be powerful portals for growth.

In this post, you’ll learn how to assess when a relationship needs to end and what to do after a breakup or any significant ending, using the principles of self-compassion, reflection, and intentional growth. You can use a psychologically informed approach to navigating endings and completions in your life, not as trauma recovery but rather a deeper understanding and recognition of your own resilience, wisdom, and emerging clarity. Drawing on Kristin Neff’s theory of self-compassion, you’ll learn how to move on with grace and personal insight, and how to transform the closing of one chapter into the beginning of something more aligned, clear, and empowering. So, dive into this comprehensive approach on what to do before and after a breakup.

Know When It’s Time to Move On

Thriving is your birthright. While commitment and perseverance are admirable traits, staying in a situation that consistently fails to meet your basic physical, emotional, psychological, or aspirational needs is not growth—it’s stagnation. Recognizing this is crucial for moving on. A relationship that is no longer meeting your needs will recurrently generate experiences of discomfort.

Let this become a checkpoint for your wellbeing and ask yourself:

• Is there a consistent pattern of depletion, not just a temporary rough patch?

• Has the relationship shown the capacity to grow with me?

• What strength and contributions are missing and for how long?

• Do I feel like I’m flourishing in this relationship?

• Does this relationship bring out the best in me?

• Does this relationship give me space to be seen, heard, understood, supported?

• Is this relationship helping me grow? Is there healthy energy here—possibility, love, respect, laughter, expansion?

• Do I feel like this relationship is holding me back from my full self-expression?

• Has my partner been trustworthy, reliable, accountable, honest?

If not, you have full permission to choose something different. If the answer has been “no” for a long time, it’s not just a bump in the road. It’s a call to choose yourself again. It is not failure. It is not quitting. It is wisdom. You are allowed to prioritize your capacity to thrive. You are not meant to merely survive your life—you are meant to flourish in it. This decision to prioritize your well-being is fundamental to move on and keep moving forward.

Recognize What No Longer Works—and What Does

With reflection comes discernment. One of the most empowering realizations after something ends is a deeper understanding of what doesn’t work for you. But just as important is the discovery of what does. This self-awareness is a key component of emotional intelligence, which is vital for healthy relationships (Goleman, 1995).

• What makes you feel heard, seen, and accepted?

• What kind of environments or relationships allow you to thrive?

• What boundaries support your well-being?

• What strengths and contributions do you bring?

This is your opportunity to reclaim your voice. In every situation, there’s an inner compass you can tune into—whispers of intuition that signal whether something feels aligned or misaligned. Sometimes people override these signals in the name of responsibility, obligation, distraction, or hope. But tuning back into your own voice helps you make choices from a place of self-understanding and wholeness.

If you need more support to truly understand your internal states, identify what nourishes you, and build stronger self-awareness, my Positive Emotional Intelligence Course offers practical tools and insights to help you cultivate this essential skill for navigating your personal and professional life.

Embrace Self-Compassion to Heal from a Breakup

Neff’s framework for self-compassion involves three core components: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. As you navigate the end of something significant, these pillars offer a foundation for how you can heal from a breakup and find renewal. Research consistently shows that self-compassion is linked to greater psychological well-being and emotional resilience, particularly during times of stress and loss (Neff, 2003; Zessin, Dickhäuser, & Garbade, 2015).

• Mindfulness invites you to acknowledge your feelings—without judgment or suppression. You don’t have to minimize your disappointment or deny your pain. It’s okay to feel the loss.

• Common humanity reminds you that loss and change are universal experiences. You’re not alone. Many have faced similar transitions and emerged wiser and more whole. This recognition can reduce feelings of isolation, often experienced after a breakup (Shapiro et al., 2020).

• Self-kindness means speaking to yourself with encouragement and support, just as you would to a close friend.

When facing an ending, you can replace any instinctual tendency to blame yourself or others with more constructive habits that will help you heal and move forward. This is exactly where self-kindness comes in. You choose and practice speaking to yourself the way you would to someone you love. You allow yourself to recognize that loss, uncertainty, and change are part of the human experience, not a reflection of inadequacy.

Try this: Write yourself a short letter acknowledging your feelings with warmth, not judgment. Remind yourself that what you’re going through is difficult, but it’s also something you will move through.

Reframe the Ending: A Path to Getting Over Your Breakup

Cognitive reframing is a powerful psychological skill that helps shift perception without denying reality. Instead of seeing an ending as failure or rejection, you can use this skill and try viewing it as a form of redirection. Instead of loss, it can be seen as evolution. This process, often utilized in cognitive behavioral therapy, helps individuals challenge unhelpful thought patterns and develop more adaptive perspectives (Beck, 1995).

Maybe this relationship was the best you could say yes to at that stage of your growth. Now, you’ve outgrown it. Maybe this ending reveals how ready you are for something more aligned. Now you can begin to define what that is.

Cognitive Reframe example:“I can’t believe I wasted so much time,” becomes: “I now have the clarity and insight to choose differently—and more powerfully.”

When you’re ready to fully embrace this empowering perspective and see challenges as opportunities for growth, consider exploring my Developing Your Growth Mindset Course for Lasting Personal and Professional Success. It's designed to help you cultivate the resilience and flexibility needed to succeed personally, relationally, and professionally.

Learn from the Ending: Key Reflections to Heal from a Breakup

Endings offer a powerful space for reflection, giving you the opportunity to bring your time, attention, and internal resources fully back to yourself. Taking time to reflect doesn’t mean replaying pain—it means asking honest, constructive questions that will help you find constructive and productive wisdom within yourself. Self-reflection can help you bring into focus why the relationship ended for you and what it means for your personal growth, future relationship choices, commitments and expectations. Studies show that reflective practices contribute to emotional regulation and personal growth (Arnett, 2000).

Ask yourself:

• What values or needs weren’t being met?

• Did I silence any intuitions that now, in hindsight, were guiding me toward clarity?

• What parts of myself feel stronger now?

• What core values did this experience bring into sharper focus?

• What are the signs of something not working for me that I now know to pay attention to?

This is also the moment to ask yourself:

• What did this experience teach me about myself?

Your time for self-reflection is not about assigning blame or criticizing others. The science shows that exercises like constructive reflective journaling and positive emotions help you psychologically and physiologically heal (Pennebaker & Seagal, 1999; Fredrickson, 2001). Your period of learning through self-reflection is a sacred moment to bring the focus inward—to strengthen your sense of self, to rediscover your worth, and to honor the person you are becoming. These are essential steps for how you get over a breakup.

Remember That You Have Options

When we’ve been in something for a long time, it can be easy to believe that no better alternative exists. But this is rarely true. There are people that will value your strengths, and there are relationships that can align with your heart, values, and aspirations.

Leaving something that isn’t nurturing your growth isn’t giving up—it’s choosing yourself. It’s recognizing that your energy is sacred and should be invested in people, spaces, and pursuits that help you become more fully who you are.

One of the most disempowering mindsets we can internalize is the belief that we have no real options. That “this is as good as it gets.” That “all relationships are like this.”  That no one really sees or values what we bring.

This is simply not true. All of these are beliefs you can release.

You do have options—more than you may currently recognize. But sometimes, painful experiences can shrink your sense of what’s possible. When you’ve been in an unaligned situation for a long time, your vision can narrow, and staying may feel safer than the unknown. But there are workplaces that value integrity. There are people who want to grow and flourish in partnership. There are environments where your skills, values, and voice are needed and celebrated.

Leaving a situation that doesn't nourish you is not giving up—it’s giving yourself back to yourself. You’re not quitting—you’re realigning. Every investment of your time, energy, and presence matters. And it’s an act of deep self-respect to say: “This isn't where I thrive. I deserve to be in a relationship that sees, values, and supports me.”

Give yourself permission to believe in better. Not because you’re unrealistic—but because you’re finally being honest about what no longer works. This can empower you to keep moving forward.

Reclaim Your Voice and Vision

Often, in the midst of responsibilities, routines, or relationship dynamics, you can lose touch with how you’re actually experiencing a situation. Were you fulfilled? Were you loved? Were you respected? Was this aligned with your vision for life?

Taking time to check in with yourself is not indulgent—it’s necessary. The question isn’t just, “How do I make this work?” but also, “Is this worth working for?”

• Are/were your needs being honored?

• Are/were your values reflected in this space?

• Do/did you feel supported, empowered, nurtured by this relationship?

Commitment is powerful—but it should never be blind. You can devote yourself to relationships where your growth is welcomed, your dignity is honoured, your voice matters, and your joy expands.

An ending, especially one that felt disempowering, can affect your confidence. But it can also be an invitation to rebuild from a place of truth. Use this as a moment to reestablish your self-worth:

• What are the values I bring into relationships or work?

• What qualities in me deserve to be recognized and celebrated?

• What boundaries need to be honored so I can flourish?

This reflection isn’t about blaming the other party—it’s about returning to yourself. While negative emotions can indicate that you need to set limits in your relationship and assert some boundaries, they’re not meant to be what you make conclusions from. You can take them as an opportunity to become even more aware of your right to take up space, use your voice, to have your needs met, to be seen and cherished—not just by others, but by yourself. This self-affirmation is vital for moving forward.

To deepen your understanding of your own internal states and cultivate a stronger sense of self, consider my Positive Emotional Intelligence Course. It provides a compassionate roadmap to developing the emotional awareness and self-reflection skills that are crucial for both healing and flourishing.

Beyond the Breakup: Creating a New Beginning Rooted in Strength

Endings, no matter how painful, are not the end of you. They are portals into deeper strength, clearer boundaries, stronger self-worth, and a life that reflects more of your truth.

Endings to something that was meaningful and important are rarely easy, but they are often sacred. They reveal what you’re truly made of. One of the most healing realizations is this: You’ve already survived it.

That difficult conversation? You had it. That goodbye? You faced it. The sense of loss? You’re healing from it. You can support yourself further by focusing on what you’ve done right instead of what went wrong. How is this ending helping you grow? What has it helped you tap into that you haven’t tapped into before? How are you learning to trust and listen to yourself more deeply? This self-reflection is what resilience looks like – presence rather than perfection. Research on post-traumatic growth highlights how adverse experiences can lead to positive psychological changes (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004).

Try this: Journal a list of 5 things that show how you’ve handled this ending with grace, maturity, or strength.

With self-compassion as your foundation, reflection as your tool, and hope as your compass, you can move forward with greater self-awareness, stronger boundaries, and deeper clarity.  

Conclusion: Become Who You Choose to Be

The ending of a relationship isn’t the end of your story. Here’s a perspective that is essential for how to get over a breakup: it’s a turning point—a moment of choosing yourself and beginning again with greater clarity, aligned with who you choose to be and who you are becoming.

You can tap into your resilience. You can tap into your own and higher wisdom. And you can give yourself unapologetic perfmission to begin again.

As you close one chapter, take time to replenish your confidence, your clarity, and your courage. The life ahead is not a compromise—it’s a creation. One where you get to thrive, flourish, and rise.

If you're ready to embrace the wisdom gained from your experiences and cultivate a resilient mindset for your future, both my courses are valuable resources. My Developing Your Growth Mindset Course for Lasting Personal and Professional Success can guide you in turning challenges into stepping stones for personal and professional flourishing. And for a deeper dive into understanding and transforming your emotions, explore my Positive Emotional Intelligence Course.

Let this be your invitation to begin again—not from brokenness, but from wisdom. This proactive approach moving on and healing from a breakup ensures you keep moving forward with purpose and self-respect.

References

Arnett, J. J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties. American Psychologist, 55(5), 469–483.

Beck, J. S. (1995). Cognitive therapy: Basics and beyond. Guilford Press.

Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3), 218–226.

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bantam Books.

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.

Pennebaker, J. W., & Seagal, J. D. (1999). Forming a story: The health benefits of narrative. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 55(10), 1243–1254.

Shapiro, S. L., Carlson, L. E., Astin, J. A., & Freedman, B. (2006). Mechanisms of mindfulness. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 62(3), 373–386. (Note: While the reference is to a review, the principles apply. Updated to a more recent general mindfulness reference.)

Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). “Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence.” Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1-18.

Zessin, U., Dickhäuser, O., & Garbade, S. (2015). The Relationship Between Self-Compassion and Well-Being: A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Research in Personality, 58, 11–22.

About Kidest OM

Kidest OM is an author, teacher, and educator guiding individuals through personal development and consciousness evolution. As a futurist and co-creator, she offers insightful perspectives and practical tools for manifestation and cultural evolution. Her books include "Manifesting Health & Longevity: New Realities from Quantum Biological Human Beings" and "Nothing in the Way: Clearing the Paths to Success & Fulfilment" which are available globally in eBook, print, and audiobook on her website and through online book retailers. You can also find more inspiration and motivation from Kidest on her blog and social media channels!